feel like I'm drowning. Like it's happening in slow motion, and no one is stopping to help me. There are no hands reaching down through the fishing holes. Just me, trying to find some air trapped between the ice and the water, just me.
It's hard to balance the apathy I feel with the passion I used to have for everything, for everyone.
I think about killing myself often. It's not that this is a new thing, of course. Just that I've started to contemplate it in ways I usually prevent. I used to only consider things that I couldn't actually do - put a loaded gun in my mouth. (Where would I get the gun, figure out how to load it, how could no one hear?) Now it's simpler. Now it's - just try something. Now it's - just take the pink plastic safety razor and break it open. Now it's - make it hurt, make yourself bleed, and let someone else pick up the pieces.
I don't even want to die. Not really. (But maybe a little. I know that life doesn't end here. I guess you could say, I've heard things that you haven't.)
I just want to get out of here, get out of this life. I'm so tired of the monotony. I wake up everyday and I feel terrible. I go through the motions and I feel nothing.
I want to lose myself. In fiction, maybe. I miss that.
I need help. I need to straighten my life out. I need to see a professional about all of this. I keep saying, At least I realize I have a problem. I keep forgetting that it doesn't matter unless I do something about it.
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