Why I feel I need counseling.

this was her life, this was a little girl in a magical place and this was a young woman in a dreamland and this was an old lady trapped in a different era, looking back on all of these things. this is the saddest that you'll ever get - wrinkled and brown and hairy in places you shouldn't be, eyeing the oldoldold photos of a straight porcelain nose and cheeks that blush in a way poets called 'prettily'.

but the poets are all dead, the poets are born dead inside, that's the way we write and that's the way we see and that's why we can't smile like the rest of society. we don't fit in right, we don't mesh on the edges - we have eyes and brains and teeth and legs and arms like everyone else but they all are programmed so simply, so rigidly. party tonight and trust given to everyone and appearances are everything and we poets are stuck in the back of the room, staring at the ruins of what was once a human girl or a human boy and is now just a slut in everyday clothes.

and we stare at you and we judge you and i judge you harshest of all because i am a person, not a girl, i am a person with nothing left to live for. i have lost hope and i have lost passion and i have lost fuel and there is nothing driving me now. i am coasting on empty. i am on auto-pilot, some days go better than others and some days are worse, some days hurt more than anything i've ever experienced and all i can think of is the brown eyes that never closed even after the life fled from behind them and i think of my own brown eyes and i wonder how soon the life will be gone from behind them and i know it's not long, not long now. i have been feeling the emptiness for days for weeks for months for years and years and years, since the first pair of brown eyes closed.

brown eyes like my father's brown eyes like mine brown eyes like my girl's and brown eyes like shit like dirt like fallen leaves and fucking autumn and nothing good ever comes from brown eyes. the heroines of all the best books are blue-eyed. green-eyed. some are majestic some are more than anything some have silver eyes and gold eyes and some call it hazel and some are obsessed with pretending their stupid plain eyes are something better than what they are but we all know, at the end of the day, they're just fucking brown.